


How To Deal With Traumatic Situations, a Joke Book by Baz Pitch

by NoodleTiger



Series: The Aftermath [3]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz tries to deal with his problems without help, Comfort, Fluff, M/M, but a happy end, puns, silly jokes with a few sad bits, sorta angst?, vampire puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoodleTiger/pseuds/NoodleTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz finally tries to come to terms with his vampire status the only way he knows how, sarcastic wit and dry humour.</p><p>Aka Puns.</p><p>Vampire puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Deal With Traumatic Situations, a Joke Book by Baz Pitch

**Author's Note:**

> Ahahaha, my two favourite things, Baz Pitch and Puns, all in one fic. OTL  
> I've just churned this out quickly as it was on my mind for AGES but I don't have much time during the school term to write things so I did it pretty much all this evening. Either way, hope you enjoy it!

 It all begins when Simon least expects it. He's sitting in their apartment, doing his homework, minding his own business, when Baz walks in. 

 He flails around (and over) the furniture, sighing dramatically, trying to get Simon's attention. Sometimes, Simon wonders why he decided to date a drama queen.  

 It's upon Baz's ninth sigh that Simon finally gives in to the charade. "What's wrong?" He sighs, closing his book.

 Baz turns towards him, looking 'sorrowful' and clutches a hand to his heart. "Oh, _Simon_ , it's nothing. Just..." Within the blink of an eye, gone is the quivering lip, replaced by a devious grin. "After leaving Watford, I seem to have lost all my  _fang_ -irls."

 Simon blinks. 

 "It's a real shame, all the girls at uni avoid me. It's not like I'm going to  _bite_ them."

 Simon's mouth drops in horror.

 "I feel so lonely. It's starting to be a  _real pain in the neck_."

 "A-are you making vampire puns?" is all Simon manages to stutter out in his shock. Baz never made jokes about his 'condition.' Heck, he rarely ever mentioned it! 

 Baz, as if expecting this, scoffs and says somewhat sarcastically, "Of course not, Snow! How insensitive of you, bringing up my condition like that! I'll let it go this time, but if you do it again I'll be really  _cross_."

  Simon groans.

 The puns don't stop there. 

 The next day, when Simon has almost forgotten about yesterday's incident, they're talking about how Agatha hasn't talked to Simon in months when Baz says that 'It seems like you two have  _bad blood_ now.'

 The day after that, Penelope is complaining about how her professor changed the deadline for her next essay to this weekend when Baz then says that 'It looks like the  _stakes_  have been raised.'

 Honestly, Simon's not sure what brought this on. Is Baz trying to hint at something? Does he want Simon to do something? Does he want to prove something? And if he does, who to? Simon, or himself?

 The days go by and the puns just keep coming.

 "Come on, Snow.  _Suck_  it up."

 "You know what they say, another one  _bites_  the  _dust_."

 " _Fang_ -ck you very much!"

 Simon is struggling to control himself by the end of the week. The jokes are just _terrible. Absolutely terrible._ And they’re just slowly getting _worse._

 Trying to get to the bottom of the problem, not sure how much longer her can last, Simon finally tries to confront Baz about the situation. It _must_ be about the vampire issue. He has been pushing Baz to talk to a physiatrist about it, and maybe this is Baz’s way of showing he’s fine? Either way, Simon can’t stay quiet, so one evening he sits Baz down on the sofa (after making sure Penelope is out) and places a hand on his knee before he begins talking.

  He tells Baz that he loves him and that he will always no matter what. He then elaborates to explain how he feels that Baz has been very brave in trying to confront his problems through jokes but that he doesn’t have to, and how he understands completely. Simon explains how his own therapist would be happy to see Baz too, and that she’s really good, and would probably know exactly how to help him. But, concludes that he cannot control Baz and will not push him on the matter if it makes him uncomfortable.

 When he’s done talking, Simon actually feels quite pleased with himself. For an ineloquent guy, he thinks that went really well.

 That is, until Baz goes from staring at him wide eyed to opening his mouth to speak with a dangerous spark in his eyes.  

 “… _Blood-_ y Hell, Snow.”

 Simon screams in frustration. Baz only laughs and pats Simon on the head, as if saying ‘nice try’ before changing the topic.

 Simon tries to let it go after that, now officially sure that Baz won’t _ever_ confront the situation head on, and leaves Baz to his puns. They do progressively get worse and worse, but Simon bares them for Baz’s sake.

 Maybe this really is helping him and, if it is, how could Simon not be supportive?

 So, the next day, while they’re eating breakfast, Baz is sitting on the sofa and Simon is leaning over the kitchen counter when Simon clears his throat. Baz looks up with spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

 “You know, Baz,” Simon drawls. “These puns are really driving me _bat-_ ty _.”_

 Baz spits his cereal out all over the table. And in no time at all, Simon’s in hysterics, the sight just too funny to contain himself. Baz wipes his mouth while Simon carries on laughing, trying to look annoyed and failing, a grin prevalent on his lips.

 “Ha ha, Snow. Very funny,” Baz tries to say sarcastically yet only making Simon laugh harder. And even Baz can’t help but giggle when Simon nearly slips off the table in his delirium.

 So happy with his work, Simon readjusts himself, trying to control his giggles, and bubbles out without thinking, “I’m glad you didn’t choke on your cereal, you nearly started _coffin!”_

 …

 The air goes cold.

 Baz’s face drops.

 Simon realises his mistake the second he sees it.

 Shit.

 “…That one’s not very funny, Snow.”

 And Simon’s sitting next to Baz in an instant, suddenly sombre, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and pulling him close to his chest. He can feel Baz shaking slightly. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I- I wasn’t thinking and I was just trying to be clever and think of another vampire joke and I totally forgot which is stupid, how could anyone forget something like that but yeah… I’m so sorry, Baz.”

 Simon waits and holds his breath until he feels Baz pull him closer and nestle his head in his chest.

 They both let out the breath they were holding.

 Eventually, after a few minutes of silence, Baz says, “…That pun was really shitty.” 

 Simon laughs hoarsely. “Yeah… sorry about that.”

 “S’okay…” Simon can feel Baz tense in his hold. “Maybe… maybe I do need to talk to someone.”  

 Simon hesitates, but kisses the top of Baz’s head before responding. “Maybe, yeah… But we can sort the details out later…” He feels Baz relax again. “Besides, we should probably clean this mess up.”

 “Yeah, the mess you made with your terrible sense of humour.”

 Simon cringes. “I tried at least.”

 “Terribly, Snow. Terribly.”

 “Like you could do any better!”

 Simon freezes, realising what he just said. As he does so, Baz shifts to smirk up at him.

 …Shit.

**Author's Note:**

> 12 shitty puns in one fic. You're welcome. ;)  
> But in all seriousness, hope you enjoyed it! And if you did, please leave a kudos or a comment! Thanks again~


End file.
